W.W.P.D.?

I love Patti and I feel like I don't really talk about her enough in my posts... so this post is going to be dedicated to her.

On a daily basis, I get advice from Patti, via twitter.

I love twitter- I might get PracticingPatti a twitter account...
but let me think about that first.

I love twitter because it gives me a way to keep in touch with friends and their random, crazy antics. Even if they are cities away, if they twitter something ridiculous it makes me feel like I experienced that event with them. Patti does two things with her twitter; she does personal promotion, in that she lets her followers know when she will be on a certain radio show or t.v. shows but she also sends out daily advice. For those of you who haven't already bought and read her book, it is advice straight from it. It is sporadic, but meaningful, and such a sweet surprise when I pick up the phone and see her little tweet...

Here are some recent tweets I have received from ours truly *And maybe I'm crazy, but I always hear her voice saying these things*...

• Start frequenting the places where single men gather - put yourself smack dab in the middle of their radar.

• You should always thank a man for the date while you're on it - that's sufficient.

• You must be prompt and not make him wait more than ten minutes for you.

• Remember knowledge is power. It's helpful to know more about him than he does about you...

• Let the endorphins flow by going for ride near the beach on a bicycle built for two.

• Part of acting like a lady involves allowing him to be a gentleman.

• If witty banter is not your forte, at least ask interesting questions.

• Talking about $ is crass by those who have & threatening by those who don’t. If u lead with $ foot = zap romance & go straight to biz mode.

• If you do the initiating in the beginning, you'll set the precedent for life, and you'll do all the initiating in the future...

• NO “EX TALK”. Men don't want to hear about your previous guys. The less you care about your past relationships, the more desirable you are.

• CHASE SPACE. Let the man pursue you. Let him call you. He NEEDS to be the hunter & enjoys it. Don't take that joy away from him.

• COMPASSION = SEXY. Helping others helps you! Most millionaires ♡ the philanthropic life – just ask Brad Pitt. Volunteer at ur fave charity.

• LEAVE SOMETHING BEHIND. Little perfume on pillow, casserole in oven, tidy home, a note. A nice reminder makes him think about you all day.

After reading through these, even today, they all make sense. I love her! I have Patti's tweets come directly to my phone, which is great because she keeps me in check.

I find that I enjoy being accountable to something, or someone, and that is Patti. If I find myself analyzing, or critiquing or just thinking about a guy or a situation, I think, "What would Patti Do (W.W.P.D?)"

And more often than not, I channel Patti, read through my bible and she answers my questions... granted, it might not be the answer I hoped for, but it is probably the right answer.

I have actually taken a handful of her advice in the above tweets... and friends, they work. I look forward to using more of them, but only time will tell. If you need a pick me up, follow Patti on twitter, she'll keep you in check...your head and your heart, and if you ever find yourself at a crossroads, just ask yourself,

"W.W.P.D.?"

http://twitter.com/pattistanger

LOVE Patti.

I Love Grocery Lists.

I LOVE to go to the grocery. I also love to cook and because of this, I want to share a little thought I had...

When I go grocery shopping, I always start in the produce section, and end in the dairy section. And I do this, because I have mild OCD and also because I don't like my milk or ice cream to get warm by the end of my trip.

SO- in saying this, I also create my grocery list in order of the way I shop. Beginning my list with produce/lunch meat and ending with cheese/eggs/milk.
It makes my shopping trip much simpler and a lot more organized.

I know it sounds Obsessive compulsive, but I think it only makes sense this way...

Also, I make a list because if I don't I will go in the grocery and pick things out I don't need, like cookies, or candy. Or sometimes I'll even say,

"Instead of granola bars I want a snickers bar" ...(I LOVE candy, p.s.)

Then I find myself trading items for items that aren't really good for me. So a list is necessary so I don't get off the beaten path (Are you catching on here?)

You may ask,

"Why are you talking about grocery lists?"

Well.. my grocery lists are very similar is thought to my 5-MUST HAVES List. I thought of this comparison because just today someone asked me if I carry my list around with me, and if a gentleman talks to me do I whip it out and go over it, checking off "have" and "doesn't have"

and it made me think that building a potential mate in my 5-MUST-HAVES, is very similar to grocery shopping in that...

1. I go in looking for specifics.
2. When picking off-brands instead of name brands, I have to weigh the options..
   

• Is it still what I'm looking for?
• Even though the outside package isn't like the name brand, is the product just as good?
• Off-brands might save me short-run, but long-run I'm not sure.

1. If I sacrifice an item on my list for another item, there was probably a reason I didn't have it on my list in the first place.
2. I'm very strategic in my list and shopping... call it OCD, I don't care.
3. If I get to the register, and am checking out, sometimes I realize I don't need everything I put in my basket, and sometimes, I realize I forgot a critical item that could possibly make or break a meal.

The more I have thought about it, the more I agree in that creating my MUST-HAVE list is critical in building my mate, just like you need basic elements of a recipe to create a meal, or even the basic elements of a grocery list to make it home successfully.

So to answer the question presented, no, I do not "whip out my list" and go through it, like a grocery list..checking off things that look good, or I want.. it's all mental. It is all stored in this crazy little head of mine and my 5-MUST-HAVES skim through my head every time I speak to a gentleman who I might find interesting... or who might find me interesting... I have memorized the 5- MUST-HAVES and WILL NOT sacrifice no more than 2 of them. I will stand by the things I want and need and that is that.

Because at the end of the day, you can't make broccoli casserole without broccoli... I mean, you could, but it probably wouldn't be as good...and hey, the broccoli part is the healthy part.

A few thoughts...

On a side note, during Dating Detox I have had a few thoughts and what I call "small epiphanies"
They include the following:

1. I'm changing and I like it.
2. I can't change anyone... people wont change unless they want too.
3. I am learning to live in the moment, not in the past... .still working on the future part.
4. I love taking care of myself, mentally, physically and emotionally.
5. I enjoy reflection, but not consumption of past behaviors and treatment.
6. I like to smile.
7. I have learned to listen to people who have my best interest at heart.
8. I will learn from my mistakes.
9. Time is all I have... which is of the essence.
10. I like to fill my days with positive things, people and events..
11. optimism is key, not cynicism.
12. I like finding who I am... by myself.

Dating Detox has been fun and I have about 15 days left... but I already feel different. I remember on a daily basis that this process is for myself, for my own happiness, and my fulfillment. I cannot and will not be happy with someone else, until I find my self-worth and "Happy Place" as Patti dubs it... so, 15 days left... what's left?

If You Build Him....

Since I'm slightly confused in what I'm looking for, you might be too... and that's OK ....because Patti says it's OK...and what Patti says..!

She lays out, yet another way to create/ manifest the guy of your dreams. It comes with a few steps, but with every step we take we are getting closer to finding him!

Patti points out that as clueless as some of us are in what we are looking for in a mate, we live in five distinct worlds:

SPIRITUAL *PHYSICAL * EMOTIONAL
* INTELLECTUAL *FINANCIAL

None of us split time equally between them, but we have to think about which worlds are most important to us and then we have to think about

"How important it is for your ideal mate to match up
to your preferences in each of these categories?"

So to sync your mind, body and soul Patti suggests to make a list... yes, another list, but really, these lists are quite beneficial... MAKE A LIST of at least 5 qualities that you want your potential mate to possess that fall under the above categories. Some may have 5 qualifications, and some may have 2 or 3, depending on how important each "world" is to you.

I will share with you my list, and in this I want to give you some advice. When you makes these lists of characteristic traits, make sure you are not tricking yourself into thinking that what you want/need is not a certain characteristic because that is what you currently have, or have had and quite possibly just settled, because you are doing yourself NO FAVORS in creating someone who does not fit your ideal mold.

Here is my list:
SPIRITUAL

1. Preferably not catholic... grew up Catholic, not particularly a fan

2. Spiritual, but not religious

3. Family is not religious
4. Preferably not of Islamic faith

PHYSICAL

1. Tall (6'0 or taller)

2. Kissable lips

3. In shape, but not bulky or muscly

4. Facial Hair

EMOTIONAL

1. Communication

2. Not afraid to write me sweet things..I love me a love letter

3. Wants kids and expresses excitement about it

4. Loves his famiy
5. Likes to laugh

INTELLECTUAL

1. Preferably on the liberal side of politics

2. Graduated college
3. Wants to travel

FINANCIAL

1. Saver, because I'm a spender.

2. Wants to invest in a house
3. Doesn't mind treating me
4. Has a solid job to do all these things.

So, I could possibly compromise some of these things, but this serves as a great outline to back up my 5MUST HAVES.

Patti is a firm believer in manifestation and " in order to manifest your dream guy" she has a specific recipe for us to follow and that consists of:::::

1. Get HAPPY- before you begin your manifestation process, DO WHATEVER IT TAKES to be happy. Whether it be eat chocolate, playing with puppies, taking a long bubble bath or watching a movie.... do it.

NOTE::: It is CRUCIAL this step is completed because

" HAPPINESS IS THE FUEL that will take you to where you want to go."

2. VISUALIZATION- Close your eyes, for 30 seconds (ish) and visualize what your want your particular desire to play out.

We are the AUTHORS, DIRECTORS AND ACTORS in the movie in our mind. Therefore if we want something to happen, we have to imagine it happening and the more we

"visualize how we want our lives to be, from A HAPPY PLACE,
the quicker it will happen."

3. "Now let go of the scene, but come back to it anytime you want and add more details to it."

This is kind of a trick.

Because Patti states that the more we practice this exercise and the more we become satisfied with the visualization, the less we will focus on it actually happening... and this is important because...

the UNIVERSE WILL ONLY REWARD YOU WHEN YOU ARE
IN A PLACE OF DESIRING WITHOUT KEEPING SCORE...

Patti says that anticipation is the funnest part in finding your perfect mate and the more you get caught up in enjoying the idea of him the less you will focus on finding him and then, out of no where, when we least expect it.... there he will be....

cute.
tall.
sexy.
sweet.
funny.
smart.

....You'll turn around, look him in the eye, smile, and just know. And wonder of wonders, SO WILL HE!

Game Show Love Connection

Alright, you're on a game show, called "Pick YOUR Guy" You have two choices...

In the first corner you have what we call CHEMISTRY- or-

Guy #1-

Attractive, sweet, likes you, you like him... Guy #1 doesn't really like his family, but tolerates them (yours too). Works about 20 hours a week at a dead end job, but, "a paycheck is a paycheck" according to him, so you deal because the chemistry is UNDENIABLE. You can sit in a room with Guy #1 and not talk and it be totally comfortable. It doesn't matter that Guy #1 doesn't really do much for you on holidays because... that's just him. Although you think Guy #1 treats you well, others would beg to differ.... BUT you like him and remain attracted to him because the comfort, because the chemistry and because you think you can fix it...

In the second corner we have "THE LIST" -or-

Guy #2-

Possesses at least 3/5 attributes on your list- or more. Guy #2 loves his family and is open to your family and vocally talks about a family someday. Guy #2 works or goes to school but is definitely motivated to succeed. Guy #2 makes you laugh and likes to make other people laugh. Maybe Guy #2 likes you... or makes you feel special, and might even do something nice for you on Romantic holidays. Maybe you like Guy #2, but something is missing... and you don't know what it is... but my guess might be it's not what you know and it's not a controlled environment like youre used too... you can't blink your eyes and try and fix it, it's new and refreshing... and scary....

Moment of truth.....

Who do you pick....?

Do you pick comfort and chemistry OR new and worthy?

It sounds like a trick... and I'm aware of that...

So, if I had to put myself in this position, let me tell ya.... OK, first do you want me to lie to you or tell you the truth?

Decision #1- TRUTH- I would pick Guy #1...WHY? Because I find that I'm slightly a control freak and the idea that that situation is comfortable, and possibly controllable is very attractive to me... Although Guy #1 does not have any of the attributes I am searching for, I am attracted to the chemistry.... the other question at hand would be..

WHY else am I attracted to him?? WHY? WHY? WHY?
There's no need to answer this because, lets be honest.... it wont work. It's been tried and effort has been made, but sometimes the Chemistry that lingers for years and years does not
overpower the fact that Guy #1 will not ultimately satisfy me...my wants, and needs and desires.

Decision #2- LIE- Guy #2- WHY? ....Why not? Why should I not think that I am worthy of a gentleman who would treat me the way I want to be treated... or why would I not be attracted to someone who possesses most, if not all of the things I want and need in a mate...maybe it's not Love at first site, but we see that didn't get me very far either..SO

What's wrong with something new...
Something different... Something that I can't control....
Nothing? Everything?

I have hypothetically thought about how I find that if I were on this game show and I had these 2 choices, why would I initially be attracted to something that is not good or healthy for me, and is NOT my LIST? I know what I want and need in a man, but why am I not attracted to it over Chemistry? It's slightly frustrating....

Needless to say, I'm glad this situation is just a game show, because I would HATE to have to even think about something like this.... it would be hard and slightly detrimental to everything I stand for.

But it's good to hypothetically create and analyze things........... just in case.

Playing with FIRE

"Quit doing that, you're going to burn yourself!"

Did you ever find your mom saying that after you swept your finger over the flame of a candle lit on the kitchen table? Well, maybe I should first ask if you were that kid who swept your hand or finger across the candle flame, because if you weren't you have no idea what I'm talking about...

Anyway, ironically I was never the child who thought it was OK to put my hand over the lit candle. As pretty as it was, and as much as I knew I wouldn't really get hurt, the idea of playing with fire was never something I thought I should do... I mean, duh, its fire. But then there were children, like my sister who always swept her hand across that lit candle and thought it was the coolest thing to not have gotten burned... needless to say, if you could wrap up our outlooks on life this might be able to define the differences..

Where I'm going with this is that in present time, I find that I am severely attracted to playing with fire... not the candle sitting on the table, but with things and people in my life that could quite possibly burn me... I find it might have something to do with the below entry about syncing my mind and heart, because I find that my mind and heart do not get along. I can think and say something, but at the end of the day I probably feel the opposite.

For example-
I find myself extremely attracted to guys who are not available. Most, if not all are in exclusive relationships. That is an issue in itself. Also, these guys have shown interest in me in the past, present and even some talk about the future with me... and that's another issue. ALSO, I like these guys, I'm attracted to them, physically, emotionally and some spiritually. SO there is a slight investment in all of these guys... and the idea that I could have missed my chance with one of these guys is kind of sad. So instead of just losing the idea that there is nothing there I hold on to a little string of HOPE that someday something could happen with one of these guys... that instead of finding one out there who is NOT taken and who WANTS to be with me, I find myself resorting to guys who I can't have.

Kind of like when you're on a diet and as much as you know you don't NEED that candy you WANT it, and the idea that you CAN'T have it makes you WANT it even more... Do you buy the candy or do you opt for the fruit?

Fact of the matter is, as much as I like these guys, I can't have them... and unfortunately if I let myself I will be waiting for them to leave their girlfriends, which ultimately will probably not happen, and if it did, I'm not sure how I feel about being a rebound. And if we're talking about not feeling good about choices, lets talk about how if these guys were to cheat on their girlfriends with me I don't know how much I would care... and then I think about the one guy who said,

"Well if I cheated on her with you, if we ever dated
you'd always think I'd cheat on you."

Maybe I like the idea of sweeping my hand over the flame and not getting burned, but just because I don't get burned, doesn't mean there's not ash on my hand, and I need to know that...

Will you remind me?

Syncing HEARTS & BODIES

Question

"How do I get my gut to feel the same way as my head?"

After several weeks of therapy, which I am not ashamed to say that I go to therapy, my therapists points out that I am becoming aware of the things I need to do in life, it's just a matter of connecting it to my gut feeling. In saying this, I will admit that as optimistic and positive I try to be, my heart still hurts on some occasions. Now it's gotten better, but sometimes, just sometimes, I feel sad inside and I feel like as much as I try to be optimistic, my heart will never feel the same...

What can I do to fill that hole in my heart? Do you know?

Not only does this apply to my situation with Edmund, it applies to a lot of things in life. I find that a lot of times I do things or say things I know that aren't healthy for me, but I do them anyway... why?

Why do I do things that are detrimental to myself?

It is not my goal to make myself feel worse, I want to know that I am trying everyday to feel better, and to self-soothe as my therapist says. I have to do things that make my heart feel good... not worse. I need to do things that make sense, as weird as that sounds... like,

Why would I continue to talk to friends of my ex-boyfriend, OR think sending him a birthday card is a good idea, OR falling into the trap of artificial security?

Hmm..... I still don't know why do I do or think these things? *NOTE I did not send him a birthday card... that would be stupid* BUT when will I wake up and just not want to do or think those stupid things that make my heart hurt? When will it just be OK?...When will my heart and head be in sync?? Grr...

BUT as much as it feels like I'm Alice traveling down the rabbit hole, there is HOPE, there has to be, and for me to see it, Patti is here to save the day... so no need to fret friends, I will be OK, YOU will be OK...

Admiration

Step 3 of picturing and visualizing the man of your dreams. I dub this 'Admiration' because in this step Patti states,

"I don't care if you're eighteen or eighty, there must be someone you've met along the way with whom you really would have like to have a relationship, if the circumstances were right."

So with this step I have to list 5 reasons that I would WANT to be with someone whom I admire (AND 5 reasons why I would NOT want to be with that person). Whether it be a friends husband, a friends boyfriend or a Hollywood Hottie or a mixture...
Now I'm only 23 so none of my close friends are married...granted I live in the south so I know a large handful of people who are married, I have not begun the "always a bridesmaid, never a Bride" journey... SO... I've made a list, kind of like a compilation of things that make up a few of my friends boyfriends... and older men I admire.

5 things I like:

1. Makes me feel special
2. Sexy "A MAN"
3. Life experience
4. Smart
5. Great sense of humor

Since this is a compilation of people, I do not really have a negative list... but make sure you have a negative list.. just so you can be aware of things that are not deemed attractive.

While we're on the subject, I do imagine this gentleman being older and a bit wiser. I think I want someone who can take care of me... love me and nurture me... even though I am a very nurturing person I want to be treated the same way I want to treat my man, and to do this I think I need an older, smarter and "been around the block once or twice" kind of guy....

What do you think?

I want to talk about "THE LIST"

I want to talk about this "LIST" a little more.....

I gave it some thought and, of course its always a little easier in hindsight, but man I put up with a lot of same bull shit from 3 different guys. How does that happen? How do I go from one relationship that didn't work, probably because of the not-so-good traits on his end *And my end* to another relationship where the guy reflects the same damn traits? Am I stupid? Yes.

I have thought about this in depth, and I had been doing it all wrong, and Patti even gives me a way to prevent relationships like this from happening... but I wasn't dating "my type." I thought I was, because hey, they were half way good looking, sweet to me, a couple of them had 'edge' and well, they made me happy ahem...oxytocin... But none of them had what Patti says are the "FIVE TRAITS you will not sacrifice for" and these are five things you look for in a guy that you will not sacrifice and should not sacrifice (this part comes a little later in the book, but what the heck, we'll skip around.)

She says for me to write 5 "must haves" on a little notecard, laminate it and place it in my purse or wallet. In doing this, it will prevent me from falling for a guy based off their cuteness, sweetness or edginess (is that a word?)... point being, I will be reminded of WHAT I NEED AND WANT and no one can take that away from me... INCLUDING MYSELF.

So if I had to make a list of 5 MUST-HAVES ... which is slightly broad, and he will probably only meet 3/5... it would be the following::::

1. Family man

2. Educated

3. Motivated to succeed

4. Good personality

5. Tall? ..I'm 5'10 so I would like a taller guy.

SO- do you see the contradiction? All of my 5 MUST HAVES kind of fall under the 5 DONT HAVES of the past BF's... so not cool. I don't understand.. I really thought I knew what I was doing in dating those fellows, but really, I was cheating myself and that is so not cool or fair to me.

Part of my detoxing is taking care of myself, and this is something I WANT to stress to YOU. Take care of yourself friend. Don't settle for less. Make a list- of the five things you want and need and go get them. If you are just a little like me, you DESERVE the best.... you deserve what you want and need and that is that. I know it sounds sugary and sweet, but more than likely there is a guy out there for each of us who can give us 3/5 things we need you just have TO BELIEVE IT. Not gonna lie, it's hard to believe, like I've explained to you before I have hard time holding on to HOPE, but let me ask you this,

Would you rather have the feeling of not getting what you want or need or have the feeling of Hope..the feeling that your future is up to YOU you just have to embrace it...

I once had that feeling of not getting what I wanted or needed... multiple times, and it sucks. So no more! I will not put up with laziness, hostility towards my family, hostility toward his family, lack of motivation to succeed, or pessimism... NO MORE. And I'm talking to you too....

You should not put up with things just because you think that good guys don't exist, because they do, you should not be sitting home on date night by yourself if you have a boyfriend because he should be taking you out and if he's not, shame on him, and DO NOT, ABSOLUTELY DO NOT give up on YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS, because in doing that you lose who you ARE and you have to take care of yourself.... you have to LOVE YOURSELF for anyone to love you.


-Dedicated to my friends.

The "LIST"...

of past boyfriends...
This is sort of unpleasant to look back and reflect on past relationships BUT if Patti tells me to do it, I'm doing it. Basically what I have created is a pro-con list of my past 3 serious boyfriends, she says 5, but my dating life has been very limited...But anyway...
here we go. ...

Boyfriend #1-Dated Junior year in high school- dated 8 months

Good Qualities:

1. Made me laugh
2. Listened/ Friend
3. Was sensitive
4. Accepted me for me
5. Wrote me sweet Love notes

Not so Good Qualities:

1. Lifestyle choices were not similar to mine
2. Immature
3. Trust issues
4. Did not particularly like my mom
5. Was not interested in his family
   

Boyfriend #2- Dated Senior Year in high school into freshmen year in college- dated ~9 months

Good Qualities:

1. Laid Back
2. Genuine
3. Sincere
4. Secure
5. Dependable

Not so Good Qualities:

1. Too serious/Boring really...
2. Relied on daddy's pocketbook too much
3. Not emotional
4. Trust issues
5. Did not reach out to my family
   

Edmund- Dated Sophomore year in College for 2 years solid- 1 year of fuckin around.

Good Qualities:

1. Listened to me/ Patient
2. Laid back
3. Accepted me for me
4. Challenged and encouraged me to succeed at whatever I wanted
5. Trusted me

Not so Good Qualities:

1. Lifestyle choices were not similar to mine
2. "Peter Pan" - Did not want to grow up
3. Did not reach out to my family
4. Was not a family guy
5. Unhappy with himself

Yeah, this list revealed a lot to me after writing it too. I am a family girl and have not ever dated a family guy... and that bothers me. Also, I am a very motivated person but for some reason pessimism attracts me? That's sad. I mean, I can remember when Edmund and I first started dating we based everything off cynicism and pessimism...I guess there's no where to go but forward, but wow, it did not make for a healthy start. Also, I will say that boys I have dated have tended to be or become my "Best Friends"... which is an understatement since I do not speak to any of these gentlemen currently. That's why they tend to listen and be patient because I've lost friends in the past due to some relationships BUT my dearest friends have stuck by my side and for that I am appreciate. I do think your mate should be your best friend, but not your only friend. It's kind of hard to look at the mistakes I've made in my choices of fellows, over and over and over... it's frustrating that I have done this. Patti does offer some kind advice to prevent this from happening later on, so I will keep you posted....

Maybe you should try making a list of your past 3-5 boyfriends, kind of measuring them with what Patti likes to call "BEST" traits and "WORST" traits and see what you see... you may surprise yourself....