Playing with FIRE

"Quit doing that, you're going to burn yourself!"

Did you ever find your mom saying that after you swept your finger over the flame of a candle lit on the kitchen table? Well, maybe I should first ask if you were that kid who swept your hand or finger across the candle flame, because if you weren't you have no idea what I'm talking about...

Anyway, ironically I was never the child who thought it was OK to put my hand over the lit candle. As pretty as it was, and as much as I knew I wouldn't really get hurt, the idea of playing with fire was never something I thought I should do... I mean, duh, its fire. But then there were children, like my sister who always swept her hand across that lit candle and thought it was the coolest thing to not have gotten burned... needless to say, if you could wrap up our outlooks on life this might be able to define the differences..

Where I'm going with this is that in present time, I find that I am severely attracted to playing with fire... not the candle sitting on the table, but with things and people in my life that could quite possibly burn me... I find it might have something to do with the below entry about syncing my mind and heart, because I find that my mind and heart do not get along. I can think and say something, but at the end of the day I probably feel the opposite.

For example-
I find myself extremely attracted to guys who are not available. Most, if not all are in exclusive relationships. That is an issue in itself. Also, these guys have shown interest in me in the past, present and even some talk about the future with me... and that's another issue. ALSO, I like these guys, I'm attracted to them, physically, emotionally and some spiritually. SO there is a slight investment in all of these guys... and the idea that I could have missed my chance with one of these guys is kind of sad. So instead of just losing the idea that there is nothing there I hold on to a little string of HOPE that someday something could happen with one of these guys... that instead of finding one out there who is NOT taken and who WANTS to be with me, I find myself resorting to guys who I can't have.

Kind of like when you're on a diet and as much as you know you don't NEED that candy you WANT it, and the idea that you CAN'T have it makes you WANT it even more... Do you buy the candy or do you opt for the fruit?

Fact of the matter is, as much as I like these guys, I can't have them... and unfortunately if I let myself I will be waiting for them to leave their girlfriends, which ultimately will probably not happen, and if it did, I'm not sure how I feel about being a rebound. And if we're talking about not feeling good about choices, lets talk about how if these guys were to cheat on their girlfriends with me I don't know how much I would care... and then I think about the one guy who said,

"Well if I cheated on her with you, if we ever dated
you'd always think I'd cheat on you."

Maybe I like the idea of sweeping my hand over the flame and not getting burned, but just because I don't get burned, doesn't mean there's not ash on my hand, and I need to know that...

Will you remind me?