A note on changing

I want to tell you something, and that is I used to be a "changer" of sorts. When Edmund and I dated, I thought I could change him... I loved him for what he was, but I wanted him to be a little bit more than he wanted to be. I wanted him to get off his ass and find a job, I wanted him to want to work and be motivated to be something for himself, and for us, I wanted him to love me so much that he would move to where I moved when I left school instead of staying in his studio apartment. I wanted him to just WANT to do anything he could to make me happy... outside of grilling me the perfect steak and pouring me a glass of cheap wine. I just kept thinking, maybe he would wake up and realize what a great girl he had laying next to him and that maybe he wasn't treating her the way she deserved and he would change... but it never happened. Instead, I stopped trying, he let go and found someone who would be happy with just a steak and a glass of cheap wine. I don't think my expectations were too great, I just wanted to be treated with love and admiration. I wanted him to want me and need me and want to do anything for me... he may have said he would, but as I always told him, actions speak louder than words.

I have to come to the conclusion that YOU can not change someone, but THEY have to choose to change themselves if they so need it.
FOR EXAMPLE:::: In the past I have found that my behavior and my actions that I expressed in my past relationship were sometimes negatively shared and not constructive. I could have expressed my expectations, my wants and needs in more of a positive way instead of blaming Edmund for all of his shortcomings. I should have focused on the great attributes he had to offer me and if they did not out shine the not so shiny attributes, then I may have still ended up breaking up with him, but I should have at least tried constructive criticism and positive reinforcement instead of constant harassment. SO instead of focusing my shortcomings on the past, I can only use it to prosper in future relationships... and this is an example of how I know I need to change, and Edmund couldn't change me until I saw it for myself, which in our situation it was too late for us to salvage what was left of our relationship, so lesson learned for the future :)

SO Here I am, aware that I have a bit of bitter feelings toward my dearest Edmund, but that is in the past. I realize two things:

1. CHANGE is not gonna come unlike what Sam Cooke so kindly sings. How the guy is in the relationship a year in is how he's going to be 3 years in, and possibly 5 years in, but once you get more comfortable the things that bug you in the beginning will inevitable bug you more and more until you "put up with them" and ultimately YOU CHANGE, by sacrificing your wants and needs.

2. I cannot be bitter. Patti will share later on that even if a date is a bust, or things don't work out with Mr. Right now, I can only use it as a lesson. I should try to take positive things from my past relationship instead of holding such resentment and grudge. I cannot and will not be bitter and can and will only look forward to the future with myself and with my next boyfriend. I'm not particularly a Jo Bros fan, but there is a song that is representative of this feeling and I shall share it with you, just don't judge me forever for using a Jo Bro song... It's so embarrassing.